the human experience

The last few days I’ve been pondering the fragility of the human experience.

…My husband and I have dealt with a very fussy baby recently. In the learning process, we found that our son falls right asleep quickly when he is placed between his two parents in bed. So precious! Such a simple solution that we stumbled upon in serendipity! He rolls to his left, sees Daddy, rolls to his right, sees Mommy, and drifts off to dream.

In this little moment, I realized just how precious the order of marriage and family is, even to the tiniest and youngest of children.
…I also visited my workplace this last Friday. As I have been on maternity leave, many feelings were evoked upon my return: of my work there, of my overall life mission, of my dear friend co-workers, of my former clients. As a counselor, I work with “the human experience” in the raw, in real time, at its worst and at its best.I realized just how much my coworkers and I truly care for our clients, and moreover, just how much we care for one another as a team, as a family.

…This week, I was also jolted in shock by the report of two newscasters and their interviewee being shot point-blank by their former co-worker. Both the newscaster and the cameraman were killed instantly.  Both were about my age. Both were in similar life situations that I have just gone through myself: finding true love, getting engaged, living passionately in newly started careers.
Perhaps to my regret, I even saw the video of the newscaster’s last moments. That look of terror on her face will forever be etched in my memory.
I realized just how ephemeral, how fleeting life is. Every day, every moment, every opportunity to love and to serve… truly is a gift. We cannot count on tomorrow.
…I’ve also felt so utterly disgusted (and betrayed by the government) regarding the heinous crimes against children, women, and humanity itself by Planned Parenthood. These crimes recently surfaced via undercover work at Planned Parenthood. The main man behind the undercover work is a friend of many of my close friends.
Doctors at Planned Parenthood have been selling baby body parts and intact fetuses. Worse yet, doctors and other employees at Planned Parenthood have been harvesting baby body parts, such as brains, while those babies are still alive.
Who has the gut to stomach this and to say that it is permissible on any level? Why do my tax dollars fund this evil? My human heart is grieving.
I realized just how vulnerable life is, especially life that does not have the strength to defend itself.
I realized just how ugly life can get and just how evil and greedy (if not for money, for pride) we as humans can be. And no, I am not exempt from those temptations.
The only thing my heart can conclude is that at the intersection of all of these realizations is the ultimate reality that this LIFE is not our own and that as humans we are not meant merely to do as we please. Instead, God has given us a plan for love and for life, and we are to live accordingly for our good, the good of others, and the good of LIFE itself.
This beautiful LIFE given to us by our Creator is meant to be cherished, to be treasured, not taken for granted, and worse yet, destroyed.
(And hey, I’m not just writing this post because I want to point fingers. I too take life for granted. I too destroy the LIFE in me and in others when I sin.)

Little ol’ me…. just one in a trillion humans of all of humanity.

But my MISSION remains and I DO have the power to change.

I am called to protect LIFE and to wholeheartedly to live out God’s plan for life and love. Come what may.

They call it the human experience. Yes, at its very finest.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”John 10:10-11

I met Saint GIanna’s daughter, also Gianna! Saint Gianna Beretta Molla was a true testament to someone whose mission was to protect life, to live according to God’s plans for love and life.

priorities: live and die tryin’

World Youth Day Mass 2013 at Rio de Janeiro... millions of youth yearning for God to fill their hearts-- for the Eucharist to feed their bodies and souls!

World Youth Day Mass 2013 at Rio de Janeiro… millions of youth yearning for God to fill their hearts– for the Eucharist to feed their bodies and souls!

Those days. I remember those days. When I would lay in bed at night and think and pray that if I only had a boyfriend (hopefully, a very potential husband), I would be happy.

Those mornings when I would wake up in the morning, look at the light hitting my pillows and sheets, and dream about cuddling with a baby, or maybe even five kids (LOL– typical devout Catholic girl dream?), and a hubby, too.

Well, guess what? Those days and mornings are here. Marriage. Family life. And yes, life is beautiful. And I am happy in many ways. All thanks be to the Providence and the goodness of God the Creator. AMEN.

Yet… surprise! (No, not really– knew it was coming!!) I still have this deep longing in my heart, this restlessness that I cannot explain. I still have that “God hole” that nothing and NO ONE (not even my husband or son) can fill… but God.

As Saint Augustine stated so eloquently: “You have made us for Yourself, O LORD, and our heart is restless until it rests in You.” (Happy feast day today, St. Auggie!)

I also still dream. I dream of saving souls. Not so much in a “preach-y till they all convert” way, but in an “indirect, let the Holy Spirit use me somehow” way. Call it the spirit of the New Evangelization teeming from within. It’s what gets me up in the morning!

Yet tonight during prayer, my husband reminded me of something very important: Prioritization.

While we were praying, I prayed to the LORD that my husband would excel in one of his life’s ambitions.

Then my husband did something funny. He smiled. He laughed. He looked at me. And he changed that prayer. He quipped, gently, “And LORD, that I might be the BEST DADDY in the world!”

Oh so true. This is why I married this man. Because before being an engineer, he is a father and a husband. And before being those roles, he is a son of God. A soldier of Christ.

The same goes for me. First, a daughter of God, a disciple of Christ. (That “God hole” will always feel wanting, and that’s a good thing.) Second, a wife and a mother. Third, a __________ (fill in other roles pertaining to my unique vocation or “calling” here).

My primary goal: to get myself and my hubby and my son to Heaven.

All other goals are secondary.

Priorities…

Just tryin’ to get ’em straight. I do fail sometimes, ’tis true. But…

Hope I live and I die tryin’.

they’re one in the same

Ah, this.

Yes, this.

Silence.

My two boys asleep: my hubby and my son.

Silence! Time to think uninterruptedly. Alas…. alas!

And yet, I am so tired. It is SO late.

Who knew the vocation of motherhood could be so exhausting?! Really, zillions of other women have gone through this?!

And yet, it’s an exhilarating feeling that I am left with at the end of the day. Honestly, I’ve dreamed of being a mommy even before grade school. (As I experience all of this joy being a new mommy, I can’t help but pray even more for those struggling with infertility and miscarriage– I cannot imagine that pain. <3)

All of those moments that I want to bang my head during the day when my son is fussing, screaming, or just being overactive and not napping… they are put to *shame* when, at the moment that my baby finally DOES fall asleep, I pull out my smartphone and peruse my photos and videos of him. Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

What I am learning about motherhood is this: sacrifice. Isn’t that the single word that comes up numerous times on this blog?!

Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Whew!

Yet what I am also learning is this beautiful, mysterious paradox: that I revel in this sacrifice. That at the time that I hate it, I also love it, because I know that it is edifying.

Sacrifice and love: one in the same. THAT is what I have been learning. 

I am being edified… refined… purified.

The one event that has made me “grow up”? Having a child of my own. Cliche, yes. But true, so true.

I often wonder if this is how God feels with me as his daughter. He sees me crying, he sees me blindly hurting myself, he sees me confused, he sees me needy, he sees me being just a little bit naughty sometimes (or maybe other times, very, very in the wrong), he sees me THIRSTY… he sees me HUNGRY. AND IN IT ALL, HE LOVES ME! He only wants the best for me! HE SAYS, “COME, DRINK MY BLOOD. COME, EAT MY FLESH.” Oh my! ” ❤

My motherhood is teaching me soooo much about my daughterhood of the King Most High…

But I am exhausted. So, good night for now! 🙂

#tobecontinued

“Look mom! Sushi! Mmmmm” 😛

My great uncle took a candid of us at dinner one day... we never get family shots! Life is going by too quickly. Hope we get another one soon. ;)

A (blurry) candid of us at dinner one day… we never get family shots! Life is going by too quickly. Hope we get another one soon. 😉